Most of my recent posts have been about my husband and his struggle this year with Crohn's disease.  As you may imagine, that saga has been the main focus of my life for the past year.  Beyond that, I'm the breadwinner for the family, I have a church calling that is usually pretty chill, and I am still trying to figure out how to be a mother (let alone the mother to a teenager).

I've heard many times over the past months, "(Rowdy) is so lucky to have you!"  Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I'm not sure that I am particularly doing an awesome job.  Really, I just can't imagine the alternative.  I mean, I love him, and I have made a commitment to him.  Just because he's ill doesn't mean that I can ditch him or my responsibility to him and our marriage.  (This is probably very obvious to everyone reading this blog, and I know that you would do the same for your loved ones. Oh, and R wants me to clarify that never at any time did I want to leave.)

K, R and I were talking about our New Year's resolutions the other day, and I had a hard time coming up with a medium- or long-term goal.  My goal is just to make it through the day, basically.  Things like Christmas and New Year's and dentist appointments take me by surprise, because it sometimes is hard to look beyond the interval between now and bedtime.

There were days in the past year when I just wanted to cry, days when I did cry, days when I probably wasn't as focused as I should have been.  I've felt kind of empty spiritually, even while knowing that the only way I and my family was getting through this was through the grace of God.

September to now has been particularly hard, and I definitely have some situational depression.  My PCP offered antidepressants at my appointment last week, and I agreed to give it a try.  Let me say that Cimbalta is not the medication for me.  It made me nauseous, dizzy, headachy and alternately have insomnia or sleepiness.  So, I've stopped that, and I'm just forging ahead.

So, I say this to just let people in on what's going through my head and to show solidarity with others who might be having their own issues right now.  ABR included in her blog a portion of a post by a good friend of hers/acquaintance of mine who was going through a rough patch.  She found herself in her comfy black pants day in and day out, including at church.  I actually didn't comment on that post, but I found myself thinking, "I get it, sister!" and being very proud of her for opening up and for doing her very best to keep going.  (So P, I do appreciate the "mahalo" comment you left, and I'm impressed with how in tune you were with the unexpressed good thoughts and wishes I was sending your way.)

So now I have to go and pull Rowdy's staples.  That's the fun part.