Power

I've been trying to figure out why someone in my household keeps doing the same irresponsible thing over and over again, even though it never ends well.  When the other person in the house and me tell this person that there is a better way to do things, that now is the time to learn responsibility, that we are there to help him, and that lying about things is a bad way to go, he partially closes his eyes, raises his eyebrows, leans resignedly on the nearest wall or countertop and says, "I know, I know, I KNOW!  Okay.  OKAY!"  But secretly it's obvious that he's thinking, "You don't know crap.  I'm not going to do what you say."

It's not like this is new behavior for him.  He's been working on this character flaw (trait?) for several years.  His good mama and stepdad tried to figure it out.  They tried to have professionals figure it out.  We thought that maybe things would be different here, because (he said) one of his motivations for moving in was us was to make changes in himself. 

Well, he has in some good ways.  He's a good kid in a lot of ways.  But what he's doing is threatening his very future.  Right now, it looks like he just might flunk out of high school.  (Maybe that's not possible in this day and age, what with "No Child Left Behind".)

I've been trying to figure out why he chooses not to apply himself in some of his classes and why he lies to us about schoolwork and other assignments.  His blow-off answer is that he's just lazy.  But, really?  He's smarter than that. 

What I suspect is up is that it's really a way for him to feel like he has power in his life.  In my research, that seems to be why teenagers do some of the contrary things that they do.  But why would someone choose self-sabotage as a way to have power? 

When I think about my younger years and how I would respond to advice--really good, well-meaning advice that would have made my path so much easier and happier in the long run--what really was running through my mind was, "Well, that may be fine for some people, but I don't have the (confidence, talent, ability, money, etc.) to do that."  That's really it.  I just didn't believe in myself.  I had no idea who I really was and what I was really capable of.  And I also didn't know how to use the support network I had to accomplish things.  There was definitely a huge amount of emotional insecurity there, too.


Could that be some of what's going on?  It's entirely possible.  He doesn't like to do anything that is risky, whether it's a physical risk or an intellectual risk or an emotional risk.  Either he doesn't understand or he doesn't accept that taking risks is important in growing as a person.  "With great risk comes great rewards," is a favorite saying in our house.  Well, favorite of two of us.  Someone else just doesn't get it.

The way I hope this story plays out is that he'll have experiences like a mission that will help him develop discipline and confidence.  He'll probably be one of those people that is a late bloomer.  He has the potential to be quite a force for good.  It's frustrating to see him digging such a big hole for himself right now, though.

What am I thankful for?

Time to ponder and gain some insights (at least into myself, even if they turn out not to be remotely applicable to the subject at hand).

That the problems we are having as parents are minor, compared to things that some other parents have to deal with.

Rowdy's surgery date--Friday, December 17th!